i wrote this probably three-four years ago, but i recite it to myself daily, even saturday night i caught myself standing up in the middle of the night, reciting it aloud, as in my dream i was reading it... that scared me.

////////////////////////////////////

feet full of dust
all i want to do is breathe
all i want to do is be
sunken down in the earth
like a casket in a grave
i can get up
i can be saved
i know i will
be free from death
until then i am dust

i can't get up
i can't be freed
from the sin and misery
that bore The Only Forgotten One
who am i
to have won
He is freedom
He is The Son

oh Lord how i cling to You
oh Lord how i flee
how come every joy and pain
is so difficult to me
You're the one who beared it all
i'm the one who was to fall
take this selfish head off my shoulders
and fling it into the sea
drain my ears of lust and love
and open my eyes to be
taper my mouth so that my words
may be bountiful in Your ways
let all that i breath be renewed by all
Creator of the waves

to You i owe it all
to You all things belong
dust will i be forevermore
until the trumpets rung

January's Most Pleasurable Experience

// as i walked out one afternoon, the wind hit me like it never has before. not that it ever does, but this time the touch of the crisp breeze sent smiles down my spine. joy glistened on the dewy sidewalks and glory suffocated my lungs. i called two friends to come with me and indulge. the scent of citrus ignited our departure out into the highlands. we did not know how we were going, but only where we were going, to the mountain. each step we took was just another heart beat of this earth. though the darkness was present on the south side, where it tends to reside, light was coming forth, as the clouds labored away. we were not alone on this journey, for every bitter branch around sought out the heavens as well. the life surrounding us remained a little timid, so we walked mostly in silence, though a baby goat and a few geese acknowledged our presence. every now and then some dogs clamored, but we were not sure what for. new sights sparked my mind, but a couple of scenes appeared as if i was retracing a dream. the storm was harsh and continued thriving for a time, but in return the sun had shone more beautifully than ever before. we squared around the neighborhood in triumph of the defeat, and as we reached the end, our hearts were impacted. gifts we did not deserve, awareness we were not aware of began to grow in us.//

last month i enrolled in a creative writing class, our first prompt was to write about our most pleasurable experience of 2017. not much had happened yet this year, but the afternoon before i took one of the most pleasurable walks, exploring my new neighborhood. it was absolutely glorious. i need to start writing about all my life happenings this way, what fun & joy does it bring. who would have known this day turned out to be one ill remember forever, if i had never written about it?! everyday is beautiful, one way or the other...

spring of twenty thirteen

 

sorting through some found favorites from spring time twenty thirteen...from growing flowers, hoppity easter babes, and best friend...

i felt the wisp of the breeze, i felt most warm

Father, now, i need you in this place...

i thought i had it all ready to write, it was all there, then i got here, and it all vanished

all i know is that it hurts when people are hurting
not only themselves but the others around them

i think we forget how much others care, which i understand, we don't openly show our affection which in return makes you not want to share what you really feel, afraid of their response or if they'll even understand.

i want to tell myself, if everything goes awry, please don't ever run away. i think the impact won't be too much on people, i can't think of anyone right off the bat who will find this profound, but i'm sure that is how my friends have felt too. now i find myself in loss, despair, wishing i knew, wishing i could help. oh God, You knew it all. there is nothing in my power that i could change, i do feel as if i could have tried harder. don't we all do that though? if only i did this, then this would have happened. i/we can't get too hard on ourselves because in reality that is not the case. truly truly this is all apart of God's big plan, and for that my trust is utterly unto Him, and Him alone.

nonetheless, it is ok to feel. feelings are inevitable and it feels perfectly fine to let them out, maybe to only a certain degree though. in feelings, wisdom needs to be forefront. that seems difficult to obtain. if we were to habitually practice seeking this wisdom, it wouldn't, the more so i pray to be prepared whilst walking through deep valleys. thank You Lord, for somewhat preparing my heart, though it may not feel like it whatsoever and no matter what all of it could subside, but overall i know i cannot be broken, as much as i feel i am.


may i act rightfully so, in accordance to these feelings, in prayer, for that's all i feel i can do at the moment.

this great joy too brings me to tears. whether joy or pain or brokenness or unbrokenness, Your presence is with me and for that i am forever thankful. oh God, my God, i only wish to express my utterances in a humbling matter, knowing in it all You are The One in control.

it's hard to bear, another close friend, go away, in pain, in hope for improvement. i know i will never know if that really is what is best for them, who am i to decide. it could be right for them and what God intended them for, as much as i have been hurt time and time again by this. everyone faces their problems different, the way i do could be in contrast to another, only God knows what's best.

so i just say in this time, that through it all, whether we choose to stay or to go in times of trouble, God, The Ultimatum, will be fully glorified. and in that glorification, under will we fall.

playing around in the field of dreams: april 12, 2015

i drive past this field everyday, always wanting to stop and take photos, but it's on a main busy road with no where to park, so i put it off for some time. finally, one day, stella and i stop just in time. it wasn't golden hour yet but the field appeared that way anyways. truly, a field of dreams.

 would you look at that little squishy face? ;)

 not really sure, just messing around with light

Job 33:33

..."be silent, & I will teach you wisdom."