i wrote this probably three-four years ago, but i recite it to myself daily, even saturday night i caught myself standing up in the middle of the night, reciting it aloud, as in my dream i was reading it... that scared me.

////////////////////////////////////

feet full of dust
all i want to do is breathe
all i want to do is be
sunken down in the earth
like a casket in a grave
i can get up
i can be saved
i know i will
be free from death
until then i am dust

i can't get up
i can't be freed
from the sin and misery
that bore The Only Forgotten One
who am i
to have won
He is freedom
He is The Son

oh Lord how i cling to You
oh Lord how i flee
how come every joy and pain
is so difficult to me
You're the one who beared it all
i'm the one who was to fall
take this selfish head off my shoulders
and fling it into the sea
drain my ears of lust and love
and open my eyes to be
taper my mouth so that my words
may be bountiful in Your ways
let all that i breath be renewed by all
Creator of the waves

to You i owe it all
to You all things belong
dust will i be forevermore
until the trumpets rung

January's Most Pleasurable Experience

// as i walked out one afternoon, the wind hit me like it never has before. not that it ever does, but this time the touch of the crisp breeze sent smiles down my spine. joy glistened on the dewy sidewalks and glory suffocated my lungs. i called two friends to come with me and indulge. the scent of citrus ignited our departure out into the highlands. we did not know how we were going, but only where we were going, to the mountain. each step we took was just another heart beat of this earth. though the darkness was present on the south side, where it tends to reside, light was coming forth, as the clouds labored away. we were not alone on this journey, for every bitter branch around sought out the heavens as well. the life surrounding us remained a little timid, so we walked mostly in silence, though a baby goat and a few geese acknowledged our presence. every now and then some dogs clamored, but we were not sure what for. new sights sparked my mind, but a couple of scenes appeared as if i was retracing a dream. the storm was harsh and continued thriving for a time, but in return the sun had shone more beautifully than ever before. we squared around the neighborhood in triumph of the defeat, and as we reached the end, our hearts were impacted. gifts we did not deserve, awareness we were not aware of began to grow in us.//

last month i enrolled in a creative writing class, our first prompt was to write about our most pleasurable experience of 2017. not much had happened yet this year, but the afternoon before i took one of the most pleasurable walks, exploring my new neighborhood. it was absolutely glorious. i need to start writing about all my life happenings this way, what fun & joy does it bring. who would have known this day turned out to be one ill remember forever, if i had never written about it?! everyday is beautiful, one way or the other...

spring of twenty thirteen

 

sorting through some found favorites from spring time twenty thirteen...from growing flowers, hoppity easter babes, and best friend...

i felt the wisp of the breeze, i felt most warm

Father, now, i need you in this place...

i thought i had it all ready to write, it was all there, then i got here, and it all vanished

all i know is that it hurts when people are hurting
not only themselves but the others around them

i think we forget how much others care, which i understand, we don't openly show our affection which in return makes you not want to share what you really feel, afraid of their response or if they'll even understand.

i want to tell myself, if everything goes awry, please don't ever run away. i think the impact won't be too much on people, i can't think of anyone right off the bat who will find this profound, but i'm sure that is how my friends have felt too. now i find myself in loss, despair, wishing i knew, wishing i could help. oh God, You knew it all. there is nothing in my power that i could change, i do feel as if i could have tried harder. don't we all do that though? if only i did this, then this would have happened. i/we can't get too hard on ourselves because in reality that is not the case. truly truly this is all apart of God's big plan, and for that my trust is utterly unto Him, and Him alone.

nonetheless, it is ok to feel. feelings are inevitable and it feels perfectly fine to let them out, maybe to only a certain degree though. in feelings, wisdom needs to be forefront. that seems difficult to obtain. if we were to habitually practice seeking this wisdom, it wouldn't, the more so i pray to be prepared whilst walking through deep valleys. thank You Lord, for somewhat preparing my heart, though it may not feel like it whatsoever and no matter what all of it could subside, but overall i know i cannot be broken, as much as i feel i am.


may i act rightfully so, in accordance to these feelings, in prayer, for that's all i feel i can do at the moment.

this great joy too brings me to tears. whether joy or pain or brokenness or unbrokenness, Your presence is with me and for that i am forever thankful. oh God, my God, i only wish to express my utterances in a humbling matter, knowing in it all You are The One in control.

it's hard to bear, another close friend, go away, in pain, in hope for improvement. i know i will never know if that really is what is best for them, who am i to decide. it could be right for them and what God intended them for, as much as i have been hurt time and time again by this. everyone faces their problems different, the way i do could be in contrast to another, only God knows what's best.

so i just say in this time, that through it all, whether we choose to stay or to go in times of trouble, God, The Ultimatum, will be fully glorified. and in that glorification, under will we fall.

playing around in the field of dreams: april 12, 2015

i drive past this field everyday, always wanting to stop and take photos, but it's on a main busy road with no where to park, so i put it off for some time. finally, one day, stella and i stop just in time. it wasn't golden hour yet but the field appeared that way anyways. truly, a field of dreams.

 would you look at that little squishy face? ;)

 not really sure, just messing around with light

Job 33:33

..."be silent, & I will teach you wisdom."

the words stuck in my head this hour: those are my best days, when i shake with fear...

i often find myself in situations so unfitting, distress i have no need to carry. sometimes even the little things can cause a groundless flow of emotions. 

it is so easy to desire much more than this world, a longing for an escape from all the cares. though there is no wrong in dreaming of the eternity that beholds us, this desire can become selfish. it is only natural for us to feel "sick of society" or everyone around us, as is the case with most non-conformist. i think we all feel this way at some point or another in this life. why can't things be just perfect all of the time? i often vision of an atmosphere so stimulating culturally and intellectually, but would this one wish bring me joy and peace? is my happiness depending on something i can lose? 

 "but wishes can't accomplish my desire, pardon if i adore, when i admire"

 ~Anne Bradstreet

Bradstreet, the lady responsible for making all my thoughts into sentences, to make clear of all my jumbled humblings. she too confesses, "o pregnant brain, o comprehension vast"... so much is buzzing back in forth in my mind, a surplus amount of scribbles and lines, i feel like i know so much, yet i seem to stumble at even the smallest of understandings. 

as humans, we "often vainly look to worldly pleasure for satisfaction, though eternity offers the only true security possible". these transient feelings may uphold us for some time, short time. we may eat, drink , and sleep in all carelessness, but when unawareness hits us, all our pleasures are sent back in light of The eternal. 'tis truth, if earthly comforts were permanent, why do we so often seek for something of supernatural powers?

i am so prone to vexation, then prone to chastise myself for these short-comings, but in all endings i see the purpose for them and the growth that comes along it does not fail, even if that takes time, lots of it. each night is a new adieu, a new adieu each morning. in the midst of it all, my God is good. 

( & the source, below)  

"Oh, to vex me, contraries meet in one"

John Donne

Oh, to vex me, contraries meet in one:

Inconstancy unnaturally hath begot

A constant habit; that when I would not

I change in vows, and in devotion.

As humorous is my contrition

As my profane love, and as soon forgot:

As riddlingly distempered, cold and hot,

As praying, as mute; as infinite, as none.

I durst not view heaven yesterday; and today

In prayers and flattering speeches I court God:

Tomorrow I quake with true fear of his rod.

So my devout fits come and go away

Like a fantastic ague; save that here

Those are my best days, when I shake with fear

...( i tend to drift from my main ideas, for new ones are flowing in and will not let me break, but they are not something overlooked, just additions i may add to future "shared" thoughts)...

ready to be

from the moment it started, i knew this would be the year of change. whether or not this change would wrap around the past and straight back into my arms, or dive into a whole new creation completely unknown was not certain. now the year is more than half done and i've witnessed a range of accounts, a few familiar and a few obscure. on the 5th of january, or maybe it is 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9, oh, 9! september one recollection so abruptly delicate bounced back into my life. today is that day. it feels as if love has reawaken my kindred spirit. the love, the love i never knew i lost is home. i feel warm and at peace. when it went missing, i can't recall, though it must have been right at the start. was it rightfully so for me to decide whether or not this year would bring about such change? had my adamance blinded me from the course of nature? deep feelings tend to overtake.



Ready to be

I REMEMBER MYSELF ALL OVER AGAIN

(photos do not belong to me)(they sure do make me happy)

Whip it girls

February 2013.

Went to capo beach with the Fam.
The girls are roller blading Queens!
Poor Stella only has roller skates, and she was the only one falling the whole time.

Sneak Peak Spring Editorial for Ladies & Gents

About 2 weeks ago, I did a shoot with my beautiful Argentinian friend, Daiana. My whole idea of doing something dramatic and darker got flipped around when my friend Serene (editor in chief of Ladies & Gents) pointed something out. Even though my idea would have been fine she said it is almost spring so think bright and colors! Still I didn't really do that, but instead I made it very fresh and light. These are just some of my favorites we took. Especially the first one, I love how the sun is shining right through her! She is so ethereal. Such a natural beauty. The rest of this shoot will be featured on www.ladies-gents.com

But not for a week or so, make sure to check it out!

Photographer: Bailey Thomas

Model: Daiana Ledesma

Makeup Artist- Shauna Thomas http://www.imdb.com/name/nm5173876/

Another Post About the Most Beautiful Day at the Beach

One & Two. Driving down to the beach. It was perfectly sunny.
Three. Absolutely breathtaking!!! Favorite photograph!!!
Four. Little sailboat running away from the storm.
Everything, so blue, so beautiful, my favorite.

Who knew by the time we got there it started coming down hard? I was sick and got even sicker. But it was totally worth out. Already did a post about this, but photos were from my phone. I still can't get over how that was the most beautiful day at the beach!

Hollywood Hills

 

Two. On the way to go to 'Les Mis' premiere with all the directors & actors, it was really cool!

One. I really want to go to the Observatory!

Three. I like brick buildings 

P.S. Did you notice anything different about the photos? Did you read the caption right?

You did? That's because these were taken with my new camera :D & you didn't because I accidentally switched one & two..

Thankful Nights on the Pier

                                                                                            

Oh my! That only took me 15 mins to get the photos to arrange in that order, and it still looks bad!

Anyways 

One-Six: Well that's me, on the pier, at night.

The same night an organization had leftover Thanksgiving meals. They wanted to give one to my family & our friends, but we didn't need it. We took it anyways and brought it over to the pier. Over there, we were privileged to meet a guy who was sleeping on the pier. We started talking to him & gave him the warm meal to share with his friends. Our short chat turned into half an hour of story telling by him! It was super fun. All the kids sat down on the pier and listened. It was getting really cold & late, so we had to leave. Before we left, he told us he would teach us how to fish, and also to call him Grandpa! We wished him a Happy Thanksgiving He was such a sweet guy and I definitely feel so thankful to have met him. Also I feel so blessed and should not take anything for granted. I have a place to live, I have food to eat, I have an amazing family, I have an amazing God, I can go on. Too bad I don't have a picture of him, but I guess it's all me feeling blessed to be such with such great people & to live in a lovely place. 

P.S. Taken with iPhone 3GS by my Romanian sister! Te iubesc! (No translator needed ;))

Llama, Spanish, Parkour, Knitting, People, etc.

One. People petting llamas
Two. People modeling
Three. Greenery
Four. Driving home & knitting, beautiful lady in the mirror.

These are just people, that is all. They look cool. I miss days like this, even though it was the only day like this. Looks fun.

P.S. taken with my iPhone 3GS

Hidden Orange County I: Ladera Ranch

One: It's a beautiful tree we came across in Ladera Ranch, can you believe it?! HA

Two: Adventurous Mama & baby making their way through all the bushes!

Three. This day it was raining. Cutie walking through the river

This is from a hike a few months ago, although it could pass for this gloomy day today. I'm trying to catch up on my blogging. So sorry for the excessive amount of posts you might see today. The last few months have been crazy. I was not wanting to blog at all, even though I did three times.. I realized I really need to keep up, at least until I have enough time to scrapbook all this! 

P.S. these photos were taken with my little iPhone 3GS

The Most Beautiful Day at the Beach

 

 

 

one. walking down the trail. thanks to my boy-scout like brother for bringing three umbrellas, rain coats, extra food, and backpacks for us... haha

 

two. that day was like a painting

 

three. i spy a seahorse, a little bear, a bodyboarder, an Egyptian woman, & God's glory. you can't see in this shot but we actually saw grey whales too(real ones) best day! do you see what i see?

 

four. the most beautiful day at the beach, half the sky was a storm the other half bright and sunny. i was caught right in the middle:)

 

taken with my little iphone 3gs, excuse the quality