spring of twenty thirteen

 

sorting through some found favorites from spring time twenty thirteen...from growing flowers, hoppity easter babes, and best friend...

i felt the wisp of the breeze, i felt most warm

Father, now, i need you in this place...

i thought i had it all ready to write, it was all there, then i got here, and it all vanished

all i know is that it hurts when people are hurting
not only themselves but the others around them

i think we forget how much others care, which i understand, we don't openly show our affection which in return makes you not want to share what you really feel, afraid of their response or if they'll even understand.

i want to tell myself, if everything goes awry, please don't ever run away. i think the impact won't be too much on people, i can't think of anyone right off the bat who will find this profound, but i'm sure that is how my friends have felt too. now i find myself in loss, despair, wishing i knew, wishing i could help. oh God, You knew it all. there is nothing in my power that i could change, i do feel as if i could have tried harder. don't we all do that though? if only i did this, then this would have happened. i/we can't get too hard on ourselves because in reality that is not the case. truly truly this is all apart of God's big plan, and for that my trust is utterly unto Him, and Him alone.

nonetheless, it is ok to feel. feelings are inevitable and it feels perfectly fine to let them out, maybe to only a certain degree though. in feelings, wisdom needs to be forefront. that seems difficult to obtain. if we were to habitually practice seeking this wisdom, it wouldn't, the more so i pray to be prepared whilst walking through deep valleys. thank You Lord, for somewhat preparing my heart, though it may not feel like it whatsoever and no matter what all of it could subside, but overall i know i cannot be broken, as much as i feel i am.


may i act rightfully so, in accordance to these feelings, in prayer, for that's all i feel i can do at the moment.

this great joy too brings me to tears. whether joy or pain or brokenness or unbrokenness, Your presence is with me and for that i am forever thankful. oh God, my God, i only wish to express my utterances in a humbling matter, knowing in it all You are The One in control.

it's hard to bear, another close friend, go away, in pain, in hope for improvement. i know i will never know if that really is what is best for them, who am i to decide. it could be right for them and what God intended them for, as much as i have been hurt time and time again by this. everyone faces their problems different, the way i do could be in contrast to another, only God knows what's best.

so i just say in this time, that through it all, whether we choose to stay or to go in times of trouble, God, The Ultimatum, will be fully glorified. and in that glorification, under will we fall.

playing around in the field of dreams: april 12, 2015

i drive past this field everyday, always wanting to stop and take photos, but it's on a main busy road with no where to park, so i put it off for some time. finally, one day, stella and i stop just in time. it wasn't golden hour yet but the field appeared that way anyways. truly, a field of dreams.

 would you look at that little squishy face? ;)

 not really sure, just messing around with light

Job 33:33

..."be silent, & I will teach you wisdom."

the words stuck in my head this hour: those are my best days, when i shake with fear...

i often find myself in situations so unfitting, distress i have no need to carry. sometimes even the little things can cause a groundless flow of emotions. 

it is so easy to desire much more than this world, a longing for an escape from all the cares. though there is no wrong in dreaming of the eternity that beholds us, this desire can become selfish. it is only natural for us to feel "sick of society" or everyone around us, as is the case with most non-conformist. i think we all feel this way at some point or another in this life. why can't things be just perfect all of the time? i often vision of an atmosphere so stimulating culturally and intellectually, but would this one wish bring me joy and peace? is my happiness depending on something i can lose? 

 "but wishes can't accomplish my desire, pardon if i adore, when i admire"

 ~Anne Bradstreet

Bradstreet, the lady responsible for making all my thoughts into sentences, to make clear of all my jumbled humblings. she too confesses, "o pregnant brain, o comprehension vast"... so much is buzzing back in forth in my mind, a surplus amount of scribbles and lines, i feel like i know so much, yet i seem to stumble at even the smallest of understandings. 

as humans, we "often vainly look to worldly pleasure for satisfaction, though eternity offers the only true security possible". these transient feelings may uphold us for some time, short time. we may eat, drink , and sleep in all carelessness, but when unawareness hits us, all our pleasures are sent back in light of The eternal. 'tis truth, if earthly comforts were permanent, why do we so often seek for something of supernatural powers?

i am so prone to vexation, then prone to chastise myself for these short-comings, but in all endings i see the purpose for them and the growth that comes along it does not fail, even if that takes time, lots of it. each night is a new adieu, a new adieu each morning. in the midst of it all, my God is good. 

( & the source, below)  

"Oh, to vex me, contraries meet in one"

John Donne

Oh, to vex me, contraries meet in one:

Inconstancy unnaturally hath begot

A constant habit; that when I would not

I change in vows, and in devotion.

As humorous is my contrition

As my profane love, and as soon forgot:

As riddlingly distempered, cold and hot,

As praying, as mute; as infinite, as none.

I durst not view heaven yesterday; and today

In prayers and flattering speeches I court God:

Tomorrow I quake with true fear of his rod.

So my devout fits come and go away

Like a fantastic ague; save that here

Those are my best days, when I shake with fear

...( i tend to drift from my main ideas, for new ones are flowing in and will not let me break, but they are not something overlooked, just additions i may add to future "shared" thoughts)...

ready to be

from the moment it started, i knew this would be the year of change. whether or not this change would wrap around the past and straight back into my arms, or dive into a whole new creation completely unknown was not certain. now the year is more than half done and i've witnessed a range of accounts, a few familiar and a few obscure. on the 5th of january, or maybe it is 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9, oh, 9! september one recollection so abruptly delicate bounced back into my life. today is that day. it feels as if love has reawaken my kindred spirit. the love, the love i never knew i lost is home. i feel warm and at peace. when it went missing, i can't recall, though it must have been right at the start. was it rightfully so for me to decide whether or not this year would bring about such change? had my adamance blinded me from the course of nature? deep feelings tend to overtake.



Ready to be